goodguygrifter | (no subject)

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Good old Route 20. It starts in Boston and stretches all the way out to some-fucking-where in Oregon, and it's one of - if not The - the longest road in these great and United States. Stan knows that, because over the past few years Stan has learned a little thing or two about highways. Highways take you over state lines, they take you out of local cop jurisdiction, they take you toward your next big break. By this point highways and Stan are kinda' old friends. This one he don't know that well - not that he don't head up north sometimes, but he tries to stay lower, where the nights are warmer and he don't have to use up so much gas workin' the heater so hard.

Good old Route 20. Taking him away from - god, or more like God, the real big guns, upper case G-O-D 'cause there's been a time or two in the past, the past however long where Stan thinks he mighta' caught himself mid prayer, not that he's ever been a praying kinda' guy, especially not for a while, but sometimes shit just happens. He thinks a part of him might still be at it right now. If that feeling really is a part of him still praying he don't know why he's doing it or what he might be praying for but he don't stop himself, because oh, oh sweet baby Moses if there's a guy in a hundred miles who needs a miracle more than Stan Pines - or Stu Oakley, the latest in a long line of gen-u-ine home made fake IDs - then that poor bastard's earned it.

This rest stop might be the big break he's looking for. Not a huge break, but you take 'em where you can find 'em and he mighta' found it now because whichever armpit of the US he's tucked all snug into right now decided not to give their taxpayer funded state-welcome-and-rest-area working lamps over the parking lots. Stan hardly looks around, just keeps hobbling right over the curb and for once he ain't thinkin' about how he'd come off if anyone saw, he's not thinking about the extreme roadrash wide and red over his legs and his forearms and the backs of his hands, or the blood that dripped and dried from high up on his forehead where he didn't get his hands far up enough, or that one shoe he lost to who knows where, or anything. He just makes a beeline for the nearest car, yanks at the handle, and this sure is the big break because it comes right open, he stumbles back with how easy it comes open and kneels and makes a noise because fuck, what's left of the skin on his back really don't wanna' move like that and whatever's caked into the mess he's made of his knees sure don't want company, but this is his big break and he's not going to fuck it up and he's going to reach under the wheel and he's going to get those wires and he is gonna' go go go, and he is gonna' meet up with his good old friend the highway of Route 20 and he is going to be okay and he is going to be gone.

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There's a point, you know, sometimes there's a point where you have to put your foot down, a point where you have to make a stand and say "alright, that's enough." This? This moment right here, where Stan is looking at him like he's not really there, talking about him like he'll go away unless he poisons his brain with even more of whatever the fuck that pill in his hand is? That's Ford's breaking point. That's where he draws the line in the sand and decides no, no, fuck it, he can't do this anymore, he can't keep going along with this delusion.

Ford drops to one knee, lowers himself down so he's eye- to eye with his brother, and he grabs his hand - curls it over the fist holding tight to that pill - and he squeezes tight.

"Stanley." You'd think he'd follow that up with something, but no, no all he does is look at his brother and feel sick while looking at him because he had hoped if he had just played along long enough he'd have time to figure things out, to figure out what to do. But he can't do that, he can't go along with this anymore and he still doesn't have any goddamn idea what he's going to do and he's sorry.

He's supposed to be the one with the plan, the one who always knows what to do because knowing things is all he's good for. What does that say about him, if he can't even do this one thing, this one thing his brother needs him to do?

"I'm not going anywhere." He adds, just to say something, just - just to make it seem like he's got some sort of plan here, some sort of inkling of what he's doing.

"I'm here, okay?" He reaches out, curling his hand around the back of his brother's head, his fingers tangling in his unruly hair just to emphasize his point, to really drive it home. "I'm here. I'm here for you, and you don't - you don't need to take anything to make me stay. You don't need to do anything, alright? Just - just trust me, please. I need you to believe me. I need you to believe I'm not going anywhere."

Stan swallows when that big, solid hand closes around his, and he stares down at those six fingers. Then he swallows again, hard, and he doesn't look up at that familiar face, not even when there's a hand at the back of his head too and, hey, turns out he's got a few bruises on his head somewhere because having those six fingers all in his hair and pulling just a little at his scalp like that sorta' hurts, is that somethin' a hallucination oughta' be able to do?

He doesn't look up then either, he just closes his eyes, kinda' squeezes them shut, and he takes a breath for a second, smells gas, smells real, wide-open air, finds himself looking for that moldy, sweaty, BO smell, the smell of his own sweaty pits mixed with the smell of the blood he's leavin' on the inside of that trunk-

He just smells open air. He smells the reassuring smell of nothing in particular and hears that unsettling sound of his brother's smooth, comforting voice and he holds himself still just for a second, he feels the hair trying to raise up on his arms and wonders if he's gonna' have bald patches there once he's all healed up, he wonders how much of that thick Pines body hair he lost along with all that road rash. He opens his eyes just enough to look down at his lap and he shivers once and his head gives a throb and he thinks about that, tries not to think about his brother down in front of him, down on one knee, fuckin' holding his hand and everything.

"You look like you're about to propose, you know that?" Maybe he coulda' made his voice sound casual if he really tried, or maybe he couldn't have, but it's getting harder to believe that 'night out to remember' he was just talking about is actually gonna' happen so he's only half assing the whole sound-casual thing and it dips in and out of his voice, the words oughta' sound amused and that's what his tone's sort of reaching for but it don't ever really stay there. "I don't know, Ford, I'll wear your ring but I never looked all that good in white."

"You know what I believe? I believe my brother's gonna' get that-" Tell him, tell him, there's nothing you can't tell him when he's not real, I kept up with you, I kept after you, I called that school and asked 'em how you were doing, once a year I called 'em because I, god, Ford I- "He's gonna' get that twelfth degree of his and then I'll, um, it might be a little while before I got enough to show for myself to make it work but um, once I do, any day now, then things'll be- But you know how, if you try to make good on a plan too early you just end up run outta' town with nothin' to show for it but a couple warrants and an empty gas tank, right, that's why- It's just I can't let the high wear off yet. It's been on its way out for a while but it's too early, I- Not like this. It's not that I don't trust you, I just don't um, I don't- just don't feel too bad, okay, it's too early to let it wear off yet, that's all. Not like this."

Here they are, right smack dab in the middle of an absolute shitshow of a situation, and the first thing Stanley thinks to do is to make a joke.

Ford would laugh at the audacity of it if he weren't so sure that he was one wrong breath away from crying, and wouldn't that just be the icing on the cake that is this horrible night.

Rather than laugh, or cry, or do anything that might open the goddamn floodgates and turn him into an emotional wreck, Ford simply exhales out of his nose. It's an ambiguous gesture, one that can be interpreted as everything from mild, begrudging amusement to getting choked up, which is fitting because Ford's genuinely not sure which end of the spectrum he's falling on right now. He's not sure of anything right now, honestly, least of all what he should do next.

It's a horribly disconcerting feeling, not knowing where to go from here. All his life, that had been his talent, his thing. He had been the brains to Stan's brawn, the half of their dynamic duo who always had a plan, a way out, a third option. And yet here he is, kneeling in a filthy parking lot without so much as a clue as to where to go from here.

Maybe he'll just have to improvise, take a leaf from his brother's book and just...go with things and see where it takes him.

"You know what I believe, Stanley?" His voice is soft, or at least, as soft has he can reasonably make it now that his throat feels like he's been gargling gravel all night. "I believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that I'm not going anywhere. Hallucination or not, I'm gonna stay with you, alright? I'm gonna get you through this."

He knows it didn't do much good the first time, but he squeezes his brother's hand one more time, just for emphasis, just because he can.

"You've got to trust me, Stan. You don't have to think I'm real, but I can't- I can't help you if you don't let me."

That first question drags Stan's eyes over to that face, he can't help it, and when he looks at it a little thought speaks up in his head: Hallucinations don't believe a damn thing, it says, all weak and feeble, and then it goes quiet.

But this voice, now, this other one, it's his brother's voice and it sounds sure, it sounds a lot of things but it sounds sure, too. And the words themselves, they sound- A deep breath digs its way inside Stan's ribcage and then another one, those words are hitting his insides and bouncing around just like bullets and he don't know whether they're hurting just like bullets too or if they're doing something else entirely.

There's a part of Stan that always looks out for opportunities, times lady luck's dice roll his way, little ins with the people around him, a part that just stays on the lookout for chances. There's a part of him that always will. That part of him sees a chance now, a last chance that's about to whizz right on by because he's on the edge of believing something, something stupid, and once he does fall over that edge the other shoe's going to drop and it's going to kick him directly in the ass.

But before that happens, while he's over here teetering on this, this cliff or whatever, anything he happens to say is just like - well, it's like hearing some especially deep, smooth voice of some radio announcer asking a question and answering back reflexively, it's like catching a look at some part of his face in the rearview mirror and muttering an observation about anything, about his latest run of bad luck, about himself, about traffic, and then muttering a reply right back, deeper, quieter so no one but Stan can really hear. It's just like that. There's all sorts of things you can say when you know no one's listening. Even the truth, sometimes.

"I can't decide if it's a miracle or a fuckin' joke, hearin' that." Stan thinks he can feel the words falling out of his mouth there, he can feel them on what's left of his skin tumbling right out the corner where those cuts keep pulling open and instead of blood trickling down his chin it's words, ones that want to get out quick before Stan can think too hard about locking them back in where they maybe oughta' be, where anyone wiser and smarter would probably keep words like that locked up. But this is his last chance, maybe one of his last chances, and let no one say that Stan Pines lets any opportunity pass him by.

"Hearin' it now. I coulda' heard that in Columbia. I coulda' heard it in Russia. I coulda' heard it in fuckin'- in fuckin' Jersey, on that stupid beach, hidin' out in that fuckin' boat! What I wouldn't a' gave to hear that back when I coulda', back when I didn't know-"

"This ain't even what I wanted to say to you. Ain't that funny? Earlier today- musta' been just like, this afternoon, I was thinkin'- I mean, what I wouldn't a' gave, you know? That's what I wanted to say, here. I just wanted you to know how much I always, I always wanted- maybe you or, or even just some Joe Schmoe, just anybody, to-"

Then it's like a brain-switch flicks inside of Stan, or maybe it's like a brain fuse box, taking too much emotional current and stopping it right there. Anything that mighta' been like desperation drops out of his voice and his eyes drop off that face and he looks at a puddle of gas nearby instead, he looks at all the colors in it shining under those bright gas station lights. He focuses on that. "But I guess it don't work, your dialogue sounds wrong. Go back and rework your script, maybe some day you'll come back and really sell it to me."

He looks down at that puddle over there and feels his eyebrows pulling together and his jaw pulling tight and the line of his lips shaking just a little and his hand loosens around that pill and turns around to try and give that six-fingered hand a hard squeeze and tries to hold on tight, maybe too tight, and a deep breath digs into him and Ford's words, that help you, that get you through this, bounce around in his chest like bullets.

Edited (nitpicking) 2016-10-02 01:53 (UTC)

Ford's not sure what he's kneeling in, exactly. It might be a puddle of rainwater, or an oil spot, or a drink someone decided to dump out their window and onto the pavement. Whatever it is, its soaking through his jeans and making the cold, gritty feeling of the concrete beneath his knee all the more unpleasant. He focuses on that feeling instead of the words coming out of his brother's mouth, thinks about how he's probably going to have to use some lemon juice and baking soda (or was it vinegar?) to get rid of the stain he's undoubtedly going to be left with.

He thinks about that instead of Russia and Columbia and the waver in his brother's voice, because if he thinks about any of those things for too long he might just lose what little composure he's got left. One of them has to be the designated Adult here, at least one of them has to have their shit together and make sure this clusterfuck of a situation gets resolved somehow, and Ford's not about to foist that responsibility off on Stan. Between the two of them, at least he's not high off his ass and in the process of staving off what appears to be one spectacular emotional breakdown just waiting to happen.

"I'm not trying to sell you anything, Stanley." His voice sounds a little tighter than he'd like, but at least it doesn't waver. "You know I'm not."

He pauses, swallowing hard despite how dry his mouth feels.

"We grew up inside a pawn shop. I think you know what a sales pitch sounds like."

"So." The way he's holding Ford's hand means he can't really feel Ford's fingers, he's just kind of grabbing at the whole hand at once, but he tries to count Ford's fingers anyway, running his thumb over the ones he can reach without shifting his hand around too much. He remembers being young, small and scared - it feels like he's always scared these days but it happened when he was a kid, too, that sharp, tight, too-much feeling like all his emotions were too big, too much, trying to tear right out of him. It ain't coming on like that now but he remembers it, and he remembers Ford's hand tight around his.

"You know," he adds, interrupting himself before that first sentence even really got started. "It's been a long time since I uh, you know, held anyone's hand. Not 'cause it'd look stupid, it just uh, it, it doesn't feel, uh..."

Stan realizes he's looking down at his hand holding tight around those six fingers and then he blinks a few times, he frowns and presses the heel of his free hand against his temple. "Where was I goin' with that other stuff? That's right, you and your shitty sales pitch. I could teach you a thing or two. Heh, bet I could teach dad a thing or two, shit. Even if you mean it, you never start out tellin' the guy everything he wants to hear, not straight off. That ain't... it ain't how life works. You don't just get shit, you don't just get what you want. You gotta', you gotta' make 'em work through some BS first, everyone wants to feel like a discernin' customer. But you know, since we're here-"

He stares down at their hands, he tries to chew at his lip, he grimaces as a couple cuts pull and he fails, totally and completely, to sound casual.

"-You might as well, you know, since you already blew that train outta' the station, you might as well tell me what you want. I mean, you said I had to let you help. You, uh. What is it you want me to do?"

If it weren't for the fact Stan's holding onto his hand, holding to it tight like he's drowning and its his only lifeline, Ford might have made a grab for the pill. He might have tried to wrestle it away from his brother so he could throw it as hard and as far as he could, but he doesn't get the chance. That hand holding onto his keeps him from being able to do anything but hold right back, just as tight.

It's not just a habit, or an instinct. It's a rule, a law - it's an unspoken promise they've never once broken, not in all their life. You don't let go until it stops hurting. You just don't.

"Come on, Stanley." His voice hasn't cracked like that since puberty was kicking his ass up and down the stairs, but you know what that's just what having a raw, tight throat will do to you.

"Don't make me repeat all that. I will, if I have to. I'll say it as many times as it takes for you to believe it, but I think - I think you already know that. I think you want me to be telling you the truth, and--and that's why you don't think I am. Because why would anything ever go your way, right?"

It hurts, saying that. It hurts his throat and his heart and his soul, and he'll be damned if his glasses aren't fogging up as proof of it. The heat behind his eyes has built up to the point where he's genuinely surprised they haven't started melting yet, though the dampness of his lashes certainly seems to imply otherwise.

"Why...why would someone who hasn't talked to you in years suddenly care when they, when they were the one who--"

He cuts himself off abruptly, closing his eyes tight for a moment as he swallows down a pathetic, miserable sound before it can escape his throat. He is not going to cry, God Damn it, not for himself. If he's going to cry for any reason at all, it's going to be for his brother, for what's been made of him, for what he let happen to him - he refuses to allow guilt, as heavy as it might be, to be the thing that finally pushes him over the edge.

Ford swallows hard, his eyes screwed shut tight as he drags in a shaky breath though his nose and lets it out in a quite curse.

"God." He breathes. "Stanley, I'm - I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Stanley's silent a second. Maybe a minute. Time's funny just now, so he ain't sure. He's looking at Ford, staring at him. He'd looked away when Ford - when Ford's voice - asked him why would anything ever go his way, because hearing that in Ford's voice, it was- but then Stan looked at Ford and didn't stop, he looked with all the emotion gone out of his face, just looking. Listening.

So he stares at his brother - at his brother's face - for a minute, or for a couple seconds. He blinks, takes a slow breath through his nose, leans back a little bit and turns over the fist of the hand that's holding that pill and he looks at his fingers, silently. Some kinda' expression might leak back onto his face eventually, but for now all he looks is thoughtful.

"I take back what I said about your sales pitch," he says finally, honestly, and depending on how tangled up the hand holding the pill is with Ford's flock of fingers, Stan's going to open up his fist and let his one way out of all this bullshit just sit there out in the open, at the mercy of god and everybody.

Or, you know, at the mercy of Ford. Which is worse.

There's no way things can go from here that ain't worse. Either the high fades off and so does the absolute worst trip of Stan's life and that's that, you know, finito, or the high fades off and his brother is here. Either his brother is gone and, to the surprise of no one, gives not one single solitary shit about any of this, or Mr. Perfect is here and stays here and he knows. He sees.

Either Ford never sees him again or Ford sees him like he was never supposed to, Ford sees him like this.

Like he really is. Stan can think that now, he can admit the truth to himself right now as long as he never thinks too hard about it again. Either he's lost Ford again, and that would be bad enough, but if he doesn't then Ford sees the guy his brother really is.

There is no way giving up this pill is going to end well. Not for the guy who, once upon a time, went by the name Stanley. But everyone has their price, and he knows his when he hears it.

"This is what you wanted, right?" His voice isn't empty but it isn't full of anything in particular, either. There's no reason to pour it full of anything. The deal's gone down, the rest of it's just details.

"Oh yeah, and that milk of yours. Wanted me to drink that too." He stretches out his fingers and then curls them in a few times, beckoning the milk closer. "Come on. Gimme. Gotta' get my calcium, or some shit."

Even with his eyes shut tight against the sharp, pricking heat building behind his lids, Ford can feel his brother's stare. He can feel the weight of his gaze, the quiet heat of it. It feels like being accused. No, more than that - it feels like being judged, sentenced. We the jury find the defendant guilty of being an absolute bastard of a brother.

Ford breathes out gently through his nose as he waits for the hammer to fall, for the court to be dismissed. He waits for Stanley to throw his apology back in his face like the worthless sentiment it is because there's no making amends for what he's done - for letting things come to this. For turning a blind eye while the world happened to his brother.

But, wouldn't you know it, the hammer never falls. That apology never comes back to hit him where he lives. Stanley just...turns his hand, uncurls his fingers. He doesn't hand over the pill, but he gives up on trying to keep it to himself.

Shocked, and maybe just a little hysterical with relief, Ford curls his own fingers tight around Stan's hand, trapping the pill between their palms. He could have just knocked the damn thing to the ground, snatched it up and put it in his pocket so maybe someone at the hospital could figure out what the hell it is, but no. No, this feels better. This feels more right.

"Y-yeah. Yeah, right. Right, right, ha-"

His smile is a shaky, unstable thing, and the amusement in his tone is nervous and forced. This emotional roller coaster just keeps throwing him for loops, and he's finally starting to feel the whiplash.

He fumbles for the milk, forgetting for a moment where he set it, before practically shoving it at Stan in a jittery fit of over-enthused nerves, as if Stan might just change his mind after a second's delay.

"Here, uh. You can drink it or just use it as a rinse. It, it doesn't really matter. Whatever makes you feel better."

A little bit of expression might be creeping in, now. Just a little. A little frown, a tiny pinch between those fuzzy Pines eyebrows, the look of a guy not seeing what he expected. It feels bad, too - there's this sort of heavy, inevitable feel behind the thought, there's another mark in the 'real boy' column. Heavy and inevitable like the anvil of Damocles, or- wait, sword of Damocles? Is it a sword?

Whatever.

He dismisses the thought, just watches Ford all jittery and maybe babbling a little, showing the kind of nerves he'd never imagine Ford having after a moment like that, not even in an uncontrollable hallucination, and he feels that weight hanging over his head.

"Thought about hearing you say that about a million times," he shares in a voice whose tone has started to slip over from 'bland' into 'dull'. He can't think of any reason not to share. It's too much work, anyway, to keep his thoughts from coming out his mouth. He lets Ford clasp their hands together, feels those six fingers against his like some lost and golden dream and tilts his head back to take a swig of that milk, making a face as he tries to decide whether it hurts his mouth.

It's not too bad. He swallows, and considers a second more. "I never figured you'd get all spazzy after."

He puts the milk between his knees so he can rub his forehead, eyes briefly closed, and he feels some vague sort-of regret at having had to trade off that last pill. Maybe that heavy feeling ain't all because of Mr. Friendly Hallucination waving that metaphorical Greek sword around, and the pill coulda' put that off a little while.

It was a good trade. A great trade. The best deal he'll ever make in his life, probably. But that don't mean it ain't a shame, sort of.

"Come on." He straightens up, swinging his legs inside the car and leaning back against the seat, leaning his head back, too, so no part of his body has to try and hold itself up and he looks up at Ford through eyes that don't want to stay all the way open. "I know those guys, uh, from before, I know they were real but I don't, uh, I don't really know how far I got. So we better vamoose while the vamoosin's good. Goin' until you run outta' gas is usually a good start, but I don't know when they woulda' noticed. Maybe on the road. Car woulda' been lighter, at least, and I mighta' made some noise..."

He trails off, eyes sliding off to one side of Ford's face and going out of focus as he tries to think about it. "Hey, Mr. Successful, you happen to know anything about spottin' tails?"

Okay, okay. Stan is cooperating. Things are going good. He just has to keep him distracted, keep him talking even though every other word out of Stan's mouth makes his stomach twist.

He's got this. He's got this situation under control. He is definitely, definitely not just hanging on by the skin of his teeth and hoping that will somehow be enough to keep this house of cards that is his fucking life from collapsing in on itself.

He flashes Stan a small, tight smile that he almost doesn't have to force and tries his damnedest to look encouraging, like someone who Stan could have even the slightest bit of confidence in.

"I don't think that's going to be a problem, Stanley."

Or at least he sure hopes it isn't, but if he can pretend for at least a little while that they have one less massive problem on their plate then maybe he can actually get them through this clusterfuck of a situation with his nerves intact.

"But just in case, why don't you keep an eye on the rear-view for me? Watch my six?"

Just like when they were kids, pretending to be soldiers or explorers or some other daring pair of adventures who were in way over their heads. Just like that, only this time the danger is real and they can't just avoid it by deciding they don't want to play anymore.

"The closest motel is about thirty minutes away, twenty if we ignore the speed limit a little. Think you can stay up that long?"

It's not a necessity, really, it's probably not even something that needs to be done at all, but if it helps Stan relax and it gives him something to do, to keep himself distracted, then Ford has no qualms with playing along and pretending it's important. Besides, having a task might help keep him awake, and Ford would very much rather be able to drive without having to take his eyes off the road every three seconds to make sure his brother is still breathing.

Even feeling slow and heavy as he does, Stan laughs a little. It's not really a laugh, kind of a huff, but whatever. "Your six, good one."

After a second, maybe a couple seconds, he realizes he hasn't answered. "Uh, yeah, sure. If you're real nice I might even watch your twelve."

Then he settles back, content to wait for Ford to hang around some more or start driving or whatever it is he wants to do.

"I never found out what you were like on road trips," he says after a little bit in a slow, musing voice. "Not real ones, long ones, you know. Guess it makes sense you'd be the kinda guy who plans out his hotel stops."

He hesitates. It's, like - okay. So if Ford's real- but the penny hasn't really dropped on that one yet. It isn't like Stan don't know how he looks, he probably looks like he feels and he feels like one giant, pulsing scab. And if Ford, genius college graduate grown man PH-goddamn-D Ford is actually here looking at the giant, pulsing scab that used to be his brother then he already knows, it's already too late to disappear and come back when he's finally made something of himself. But it doesn't feel too late. That's the weird part, and he's putting it down to that drug, whatever it was.

But if he asks after Ford's life, like this guy sitting beside him is a real guy with real travel plans and destinations and all that shit, then that makes him even more real, doesn't it? Or it makes him real sooner. Or something.

But if he doesn't ask about Ford's life now, before that penny finally drops and maybe shatters Stan's skull or something equally shit-awful, he's sure as hell not going to ask after. And he wants to know.

"So, uh, where you headed, anyway?" he asks, and realizes as he says it that he doesn't know how much time went by since he mentioned Ford's road trip habits in the first place, and doesn't know if Ford tried to say anything to him, and doesn't know if they even started driving. Maybe if he keeps the conversation going a little he'll figure some of that out. Turning his head to look out the window to figure out the rest he can do, but in a minute. Turning his head sounds like work. "Far enough from Backupsmore that you gotta' plan out your hotels and shit? Wasn' sure how I'd keep track of ya' after you graduated so I uh, I guess I was kinda' hopin' you wouldn't go that far."

He starts to close his eyes but then opens them again. Eyes on the road. Eyes on those rearview mirrors. Right.

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